Confession #4: I am a life-long learner

So it has been beyond awhile since my last blog and now I have time for it so let's take advantage...
I was in a car accident with my dear friend Alison on Thursday. We were in the process of driving to her parents' to clean house before their return from Florida. A good deed undone before we were hit going southbound on Old 23. So immediately upon impact I am thinking about Nate and Annika and what the outcome will be as we are jolted around the interior of the van. Both restrained by seat belts but definitely feeling every bit of the impact. After we stop moving, I look over at Ali and beyond her, the driver's side window and windshield are all shattered glass. I ask myself, "is she alive?". Immediately I hear her voice, "oh God Sarah, we are not okay.". I am in and out of focus but manage to request the keys be removed from the ignition. I feel a world of hurt in my neck, chest and foot. Alison gets out of the car! I am not able to and then the rest is a blur of EMT workers, ambulance lights and a long night in the UM ER.

I am okay. We are okay. I know that someday the image of a SUV "flying" into our vehicle will subside. I am shaken always by having to be vulnerable, helpless, dependent on others. That is a lesson in being patient with myself, with others, for living in the moment...for living in general. I am checking email for the first time in awhile and I checked my weekly message from "Angelspeake" a message from my angels. It reads, "Your purpose for being alive is to learn and elevate your consciousness higher and higher. Pray each day for the knowledge you will need to make a difference while you are here."

How timely. "Your purpose for being alive..." How often are we given time to think of our purpose? I have been given a gift in the midst of this situation to reflect and rest. In my spiritual and life journey I have been taught MANY lessons and sadly not all can be retained at once. Some must be set aside for later use. Just this past week a co-worker and I were discussing the state of our existence-the coming of a possible intellectual and social "Armageddon.". We talked of the dominance of masculine vs. Feminine energy. Our feminine energy tells us it is okay to just be versus do. Albeit I have no choice as I sit immobile on my couch on work release. But I have a choice to just be and I have a choice to share this lesson with who might be inclined to read what I have written today.

So thank you God and Goddess for seeing us through to okay, for allowing my journey of life to continue and for giving me some time to just BE.

Confession #2: I love driving.

I love the open road.  I love when my brother in law sings "King of the Road."  I love driving to my parent's house.  I love driving up north.  I love the feel of the breeze on my face and in my hair on a warm summer's night with the window down and the music blaring. 

Some folks don't like driving.  Some folks don't like cars.  I like walking and biking and mass transit too.  But I love driving. 

Confession #1: I get by with A LOT of help from my friends

I have been a bad friend over the years.  I hold a lot of guilt about friendships that have dwindled over time.  Whether it be by distance, a fight, the 17 addresses I have had since living at home with my parents, time, life changes, them, me...and everything in between.  If you have at one time been my friend and I have hurt you in some way, I want to make a global apology.  I had no intention of disconnecting from you even if we may have not always seen eye to eye.  Maybe we could have worked through it.  It's definitely not too late to try.   

I have to admit to an "experiment" that over the years has resulted in the disconnection of several relationships I had with college friends.  I stopped calling.  I just decided that at that time I may have been caring more about keeping the relationship going when we were drifting apart.  I harbored some hurt and jealousy when I observed others staying close while I was drifting further away.    

Maybe this is the natural progression in some relationships.  As in life, relationships have a birth, infancy, toddler stage, youth, adolescence, adulthood and death.  With some relationships it is easier to persevere through the thick and the thin.  Through changes and stages.

I am still mystified by what make some relationships last a lifetime and others are just fleeting because of a life stage, a convenience, a trauma...

I have to say that all of the people that I have encountered in my life have made me who I am; have had an effect on me; have carried me through or put me down...but I would change one thing....closing myself off from people...not allowing them to be a part of things.

Why did I do that?  I think a part of it has to do with folding inward so to speak.  A coping mechanism, an act of self-defense.  Maybe it all has to do with that.

Nate and I have very different opinions about the place of Facebook in our lives.  I can see how much of what Facebook is is ego-driven; how many friends to obtain, who is doing what, who "likes" what I have done or said, who commented on my status, who posted a comment on my pictures.... 

I want to hit the restart button on the purpose for a blog or a Facebook page or what may have caused a rift in some of my friendships.  I want to move forward from harboring the guilt of what I may have done to lose touch.  I forgive those who have intentionally lost touch with me.  Now it's time to move on.

Thank you friends.   

 

How I met your mother hitting home

CBS' series how I met your mother is inside my brain. Marshall's dad died two episodes ago and Marshall has been back home with his mom. Tonight Ted came to talk with him and Marshall made a determination that it was time to go back to NY. "It's time to go back to real life"...my question is why? Why must Marshall go back to reality after only two episodes? I know it's TV and everything must be accelerated, but can't he grieve for at least four episodes? Losing a parent means having to grow up...I hate that. When my grandma died in 1999, I remember my mom telling me she was now an orphan. Both parents gone and here she was the mother of two grown daughters and feeling incredibly abandoned. At any age when you lose a parent, you are the child left behind. I want to wrap my arms around that child and protect her. I don't like to see her sad. She has to be sad. She has to feel. She needs to. So let her ride the wave. There is an end. It's not after two episodes...it's definitely not at eleven months...

My point is, you don't have to determine when grieving is done...especially in the throws of it. Just let it flow through you. Surround yourself with love. Tolerate nothing less than kindness and understanding...if you cannot get it from your environment...give it at least to yourself...to your inner child. She needs you now more than ever...

Popping my blog cherry

This has been a long time coming I guess. anna helped by resurrecting hers. This is necessary for my life's mission....I think...

Postmodernism...what is it? Think Buddhism, think mass transit, think wireless iPad and instantaneous auto edits while you type. This is me. This is now. This everything and nothing all at once.

Thank you for supporting me in THIS whoever you are, wherever you are.

It is time to let the the proveerbial pen hit the paper and let it ride.

Sarah